I'm cleansing my bod this week... seeing as I have nothing better to do (other then find a job). So, for as long as I can this week I'm just drinking liquids, no solid food. Sounds weird but I do believe in holistic stuff like this. & my grandparents gave my family a Juice Machine so I get to make fresh juice all the time. Unfortunately, I have to go buy fruit because there is none in my house currently.

Hopefully I can get my ass to start training for a half marathon too. I have my workout schedule all printed out, I just need to RUN! Mondays I have off, so I won't be starting today :)

I survived the PlimPlant week from hell and now I just need to move on. Maybe this week will be the beginning of change.

i don't like to share my political views all that much but tonight got me all sorts of riled up. i think Jay Leno just said it all: Sarah Palin couldn't even name one newspaper in her interview with Katie Couric, and she has a degree in journalism? the debate tonight was just what i needed to see. Obama-Biden 08.

anddd my mom watches gossip girl. i was watching it tonight and she came downstairs and said "oh this is on again?" and then continued to tell me how she watched it here and there last season. weirrdd

i ran for about an hour today! :)

I had an awesome birthday. I haven't been that happy in a while. I wish everyone who came could understand how much I appreciated them being there.

hi i'm deirdre and i suck. i'm not going to school in the fall. it's official. i had a huge cry session with my mom last night. i have no clue what i'm doing with my life. my dad won't speak to me right now.. happy fathers day. he's just stressed about money and the fact that i did extremely terrible my last semester (except for in phys of ex). i wanted to tell my parents that i didn't want to be at school, but there was never a time when i felt like it would be okay. i was afraid they would be mad (not like this situation is any better) and i was ashamed to say i couldn't finish out the year. there is never a good time to tell your parents you just wasted a lot of money and you don't know what the hell you're doing with your life. i need to talk to my dad but i don't even know how to begin to explain to him how unhappy i was at school. ugh.

summer :) i have been really enjoying my summer and the people i've been hanging out with.
i played soccer a little last night, and as usual, we got out butts kicked big time (10-1 i believe). i'm going for a run in a few minutes. i need to get back in shape.
i realize that i bitch about work all the time, but it's really not terrible. i can handle it for the rest of the summer. i just need to make sure i find a second job to add on to what i already have.

Hi, I'm Deirdre and I skip classes all the time. I'm pretty positive that I am going to have a god aweful GPA after this year. I don't know what I want to do with my life. That is why I honestly wouldn't mind taking a semester or two away from being a full time student. My parents won't like this idea, but would they rather be paying a buttload of money for me to do poorly in school? I have a lot to think about.

This past weekend was nice. Boston Marathon weekend is one of my favorites all year. My daddio was in charge of the Athletes Village this year and I am so proud of him. Normally, things are pretty confusing on the fields where the athletes are held until start. Food lines are backed up, baggage drop off is a mess, no one knows where they're going, and cleanup is always a disaster. This year everything was organized. I had nothing to do because things were going so smoothly. I was out of Hopkinton by 1:00. Everyone has been thrilled with the outcome of this year and I'm so glad. My dad put in a TON of work to make sure everything went well. I had 3 friends from SpfldCol that ran and they all did well. One of the kids ran it in 2hr37min, placed 137 overall. Thats about a 6min/mile pace which is insane. Someday I will run it. Who wants to make me run over the summer?

Barefoot Truth & State Radio are coming to my school on May 3rd. That is the most exciting thing to happen all year long. :)

I still have a small crush?

18daysleft.

I have been having a lot of those "what am I doing with my life" moments lately. If I could just leave spfldcol today I would. I would rather be at home working. I want to make money because I want to travel. I want to travel on my own and meet new people and live a different life. I want to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail from GA to ME. I don't want to graduate college and go straight into having a serious job for the rest of my life. I don't know what I want to do for my job later on; so why am I at school, taking all these classes and heading towards a degree, when it might not even relate to my future job? It is just discouraging for me at this point because as hard as I have been working, I haven't been getting the results that I would like. I'm sure part of that has to do with the fact that I don't want to be here at all, so I'm just not completely into the work I'm doing.

When I was driving back to school last night I started to get really anxious and I felt heavy. I wanted to cry. I wanted to have a really good long cry and I couldn't even do it. This heavy feeling happens every time I have to come back to school. Today I am in a haze. I skipped a meeting this morning; I skipped my only class. I need to just keep telling myself there are only 5 weeks left. 5 weeks and I never have to come back to spfldcol for school. 5 weeks and then I can argue with my parents about what I want to do. 5 weeks. I can make it, it's just going to suck.

mood: blank music: clapton

i'm in that "i hate school and want to be home" funk again. it hit me when i was in the car with my mom driving to quincy on monday morning. i knew she was dropping me off at the T so i could go back to school, and i was dreading the moment she would pull up to the station. my friends here keep telling me "stop being a hermit crab" because i've been holed up in my room all week. i don't want to deal with anyone here. i don't feel comfortable here. i just want to be home with my family.


6 weeks until i'm home for the summer.
i found a website where i can watch movies like Juno!
since i had my teeth out, i have been feeling sick after i eat so i haven't been eating much. it's not cool; i don't mind the weight loss though.
I AM SO ANTISOCIAL.
i'm not going to miss this school and really; i'm not going to miss most of my "friends" here.

this is the first time since Junior year that i haven't been on some sort of medication.

Junior year = the pill to help my face & tetracycline (also for my face)
Senior year = the pill, tetracycline, and an inhaler
College = a steriod for the asthma, inhaler, the pill, and accutane.

i still take immitrex for migraines when i get them... but that's nothing.

this feels good.

so glad to be home :) i've been baking and such everyday & it's wonderful. this has been the least stressful christmas ever, and i'm not even done with my shopping.





i miss that boy more then i thought i would. which is weird because, really? what are we doing? neither of us know.

So I am exhausted from this past week. I think I worked 40hrs in 5 days. Yes, I do realize this is normal for a lot of people, but I'm not used to it; especially when I'm waitressing most of the time. Thanksgiving was hard but I'm glad I did it- I need the money. I was one of the lucky ones that made realllyyy good tips at the dinners so that was nice. Now I'm out of a job until god knows when.

I wish I could have seen more people at home. I didn't do anything other than work and sleep. Whatev, I'll see you all over winter break when I'm unemployed. Can't wait for winter break to come. <3

I need to start running again.

i need to makeout/cuddle with a boy soon, it's been way too long.

So my roommate was just telling her sister a story about what she got for her boyfriend last year. She goes "I got him one of those mugs that says 'I'm 21!' and filled it with weed. He started like tearing up because he liked it so much. It was thoughtful and personal you know." right, like he doesn't smoke weed every day of his life anyways. i had to hold my mouth shut so that i wouldn't laugh out loud at her.

"i could never wear Hollister jeans because they're made for girls who have like no ass and big thighs, and that's how most of the rich population is built, ya know?"

oh good god. stop talking raychel.

this is the 4th day in a row i have had a headache.
at least it's not a migraine like i had on Tuesday.

i'm pretty positive that i am going to decide whether or not i want to continue running cross country after i race this weekend. my decision isn't going to based on how my time is or how i place, but on how i feel. clearly, i struggle during the workouts we have twice a week. i feel like my chest is going to explode. i don't want to feel that way for the next two months.

this week has been hard & tiring.
i have one more class today, practice in the pool, then dinner with the team as usual, shower, clean the room, homework, and eventually sleep. i want this week to end. stat.

before coming to school i felt so weird about going back. last time i saw all of my school friends was when this had just happened. they were all tiptoeing around me and trying to keep my mind off of things. i don't think they'll ever understand how much i appreciated that. i was actually nervous to come back and see all of them. i'm glad i'm back though.

this is so hard for everyone who knew Meghan. how do we all go back to doing our own things at the same time she would have? it's just so sad. i don't like it one bit.

i just don't know how this is supposed to get easier for anyone. everything reminds me of her and i didn't even know her as well as i would have liked to. but for example, there were tacos in my dining hall the other night. clearly she was the first person that came to mind. i feel like every time Meghan was home and i walked into the Kuhn house, i would smell tacos. tacos were her favorite.

this is so many random thoughts. i just miss her and don't know how to begin to explain it.

isn't it weird how we pick out colleges. i've been thinking about it, and for me, i did little to no research on schools. i looked for schools that were close but not too close, that also had an exersice science or athletic training program. that's it. i visited schools in the south because my parents wanted me to. other then that, i winged it. mrs. besty hall was NO help. i wrote out some bullshit essays and sent em out hoping for the best. i only visited one of the schools that i applied to (spfldcol), and that was just for an open house. once i got my letters back i decided on the spot i wanted to go to Springfield. that was that. what if i had actually taken the time to visit the other schools? what if i had looked into college more and applied to different schools. it's just weird to think about.


anyways,
my birthday is in a week. :)

Nothing seemed real until I actually saw Bethany tonight. I still go back to thinking that it's all not true. Beth made an album called Serenity on Facebook and I cried before I even saw the pictures. Then there I was, Meghan and I had our arms around eachother, smiling. That was just a year ago. This can't be real.





<3 God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.